Depression sucks. It sucks worse when it's your kids that are suffering. Kids should be happy and playing and learning; they shouldn't spend the bulk of their days crying, wishing they didn't exist, or feeling like failures before their lives have even really started.
Anna felt a bit better after her last stay in the hospital—for a couple of days. And then the downward spiral of doom started up again.She spent a lot of time curled in a ball, crying. She couldn't concentrate. She kept saying she didn't deserve to be loved. She couldn't envision a future where she felt better. She didn't have the energy to do anything, and all she wanted to do was sleep and pet her cat.
And that's why my little girl is in the hospital again.
This is her second incarceration, and she's not pleased about it. I'm not thrilled with having her in the hospital, but what else can you do when your kid is miserable and you're afraid to take a shower or go to the bathroom because that's too long to leave your 13-year old alone, especially when you have kitchen knives, yarn, scissors, and plastic bags in the house?
I took her on Wednesday for another evaluation. Once again, they gave me a choice of voluntary admittance or a hold. Her Beck Inventory was rife with 2s and 3s and she's categorized with "severe depression."
I'm ambivalent about her being in the hospital.
|At home||The hospital|
|Cheaper||Just the co-pay is about $90 a day.|
|Comfort of family, pets, and familiar surroundings||Safety since there's no knives and such. Safety since there are always nurses watching the kids.|
|I know what she's eating.||She likes the experience of the cafeteria.|
|We see her all the time.||We only see her for 50 minutes a day.|
|The doctor can tweak meds easier and labs come back faster.|
The doctor wants to keep her for about a week this time with the hope of achieving better stabilization before she comes home. With any luck, this would be her last hospital stay. In all likelihood, however, this is just the beginning.